A Fortune Cookie for You
by Darkhymns
Summary: "In bed" jokes are the lowest form of comedy. So, of course, Sans and Toriel love them.
It was just after eating some takeout that Sans unleashed the worst joke ever.

Frisk had introduced their monster friends to some of the Surface's unique cuisine. After six consecutive nights of going to every Italian restaurant in the vicinity, the human finally managed to convince Papyrus that Chinese food also had their own kind of spaghetti. At least, in terms of noodle structure if not everything else.

Everyone was currently seated at the large dining table in Toriel's home to sample said noodles and other foodstuff. After Sans finished his meal, (making sure to avoid the rib plates since that was more than mildly disturbing for him) Frisk handed everyone a little snack, wrapped in plastic.

"What's this?" Undyne glared at the puny thing, as if offended by how flimsy it appeared. Alphys, seated next to her, looked at her own with a similar expression. She may or may not have been peeved that the Asian food they had sampled was not of a more Eastern nature.

Frisk let her and everyone know that these were fortune cookies! All you did was crack one open, and read the fortune inside. It was customary to do so after finishing your meal.

Papyrus looked at his cookie with awe. "YOU MEAN THESE LITTLE COOKIES CAN TELL THE FUTURE?!"

Well, not really, Frisk had told him. It's only for fun-

"I wanna know my future! Like will I finally beat the world record for most bricks smashed!?" She slammed the cookie against the table, shattering it into tiny pieces, and nearly cracking the table in half.

"NYEH-HEH!" Papyrus mimicked Undyne's action, though in a much softer way, merely inducing a crack against the cookie. He had manners, and knew that Asgore's clone wouldn't want her furniture ruined. "MAYBE I CAN FINALLY KNOW FOR SURE IF I JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD?"

Asgore, who had a talent for going unnoticed despite his incredibly large stature, ventured out a statement. "But, Papyrus, we've already disbanded the Royal Guard…" He shifted in his chair, which was placed the furthest away from Toriel.

"alph, ya gonna open yours?" Sans gestured to the doc's cookie, which, while out of its crinkled plastic bag, was still whole.

She gave a little humph. "You know, t-this isn't a genuine Chinese dessert! I looked through my human history books-"

"real ones?"

"Y-yeah! Of course real ones! And this is just an invention from the West-"

"hey, i was just asking if you were gonna eat yours or not." He not too subtly reached for it, and Alphys held it further away.

"It's still my fortune!"

Sans shrugged, and proceeded to crack his cookie in half. A slip of paper was inside, and he pulled it out to read it.

"Oh, what does yours say?" Toriel leaned over. She and Sans were both seated at the front end of the table, having shared plates and bad puns throughout the entire dinner, much to everyone's suffering. "My own hands are too big and I'm afraid I'll accidentally rip apart my fortune…"

"not a problem. we can share mine." Sans held up his for her to see better. "you will find the utmost happiness with a dear and devoted friend," he read.

Then he couldn't help himself. He grinned, more than he usually did.

"…in bed."

The dinner table went quiet. Even though Sans' voice was never loud, it cut through people's conversations well enough. All turned accusing eyes toward the skeleton, even Frisk, whose usual neutral face held a crease in the middle of their forehead.

A giggle-snort erupted from Toriel. She put a hand over her muzzle to reel it in. But laughter still bubbled out of her.

"Sans! How ridiculous!" She was smiling. Sans leaned back in his chair, glad to have such a loyal audience.

"OH MY GOD!" Papyrus shouted, nearly upending his plate as he flailed in anger. "THAT WAS THE WORST! I DON'T EVEN GET IT!"

"You don't wanna get it," Undyne muttered, her sole eye narrowed at the grinning skeleton.

"sorry, bro." Sans deftly took Toriel's own fortune cookie, breaking it in half. "i guess…" He looked down to read. "failure is the chance to do better next time." He waited.

"SANS NO."

He winked. "in bed."

"AHH!"

Toriel was full-on laughing. Her paw placed itself against his shoulder, to better steady herself. "Oh, goodness!"

Sans heard people starting to argue, watching the chaos slowly unfold. He saw both Frisk trying to calm a raving skeleton, and Undyne trying to console a somber goat monster, patting him against his broad back. "Geez, Asgore! Are you moping again?"

"No…"

Sans could feel Toriel's breath against his cheekbone, on how she practically leaned against him as her laughter slowly subsided. Though he felt bad for the old king, he was still pretty happy with how things turned out.

After all, these little cookies just gave him some new material.

* * *

The next three weeks were full of laughter and choked breaths for Sans and Toriel, to the point where just being in the room together was enough to send both into giggle fits. Understandably, it was a nightmare for everyone else.

Sans had, uh, _acquired_ some fortune cookies of his own, and brought them over to Toriel's house where he and the ex-queen would rummage through them, wondering what they would find next. The table would be littered in crumbs and rumpled strips of paper, and after a while, they would stop eating the cookies and just leave the broken halves lying around. Frisk had sat at the table in the beginning of this project, judging silently, until at about the 356th fortune, they had finally gotten up and gone to bed early.

"Oh, Sans! How about this one? An outstanding opportunity will present itself… in bed!"

"heh heh, nice. look what i got. avoid taking unnecessary risks. in bed." A snicker. "now that's true to life."

Toriel could barely repress her laughter. "Oh, now this one is quite specific… A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you. In bed!"

"wow, tori. keeping secrets from me?"

She shoved against him gently, both of them nearly breaking down into happy tears as they were up to their elbows in discarded fortunes. Sans wondered if the kid was being kept up by the sound of their constant joking, and felt a little sorry for them. Then Toriel would present another fortune, and he'd break down, completely forgetting the fact.

"Look! This one is, you love Chinese food." The expected pause. "In bed!"

Sans shrugged. "hey, they're not wrong." But the laughter escaped him anyway.

* * *

"SANS! ARE YOU TEXTING YOUR DUMB JOKES ON THE PHONE AGAIN?"

The skeleton lifted his head up from the couch, fingertips clacking away at the screen. "yea."

"IS IT THOSE SAME FORTUNE COOKIE JOKES THAT MAKE NO SENSE?"

Another notification popped up on his screen. Sans looked and almost did a spit-take at what he saw. _You are admired by everyone for your talent and ability…_ He doubled over when the next text message appeared. That was the best things about these jokes. You didn't need to wait for the punchline. It was already there, tearing your funny bone to shreds.

"SANS. CAN YOU AT LEAST NOT LEAVE SUCH A MESS AROUND?" Sans just barely heard the suction of a vacuum cleaner from somewhere in the living room, accompanied by sharp crackling. "THIS HOUSE IS JUST COVERED IN CRUMBS! IT'S YOUR FAULT IF WE GET ANY PESTS IN HERE!"

"i know, bro, i know." Sans' ribcage shook as he took another fortune cookie from his pocket, where he seemed to have an endless supply of. "just one more, okay?"

"NO. YOU'RE GOING TO GET FOOD ON THE COUCH!"

"just one more."

"SANS!"

The cookie became a shattered mess in his hands, and then he quickly typed out what he read. He laughed even harder, if that was possible.

"PLEASE, SANS! I AM BEGINNING TO THINK YOU AND ASGORE'S CLONE HAVE A TERRIBLE ADDICTION. TO COOKIES! AND NOT EATING THEM! HOW WASTEFUL!"

Papyrus made a swipe for the phone, which Sans could now barely hold up properly. He perused over what his brother sent over…

 _\- the harder you work, the luckier you get. in bed_

 _ **\- OMG. I can't believe how perfect that is.**_

 _\- that's an omen for me, because i don't work hard even a little._

 _ **\- Maybe it's time you started then. ;) LOL**_

"I DON'T GET THIS AT ALL. WHAT IS SO FUN ABOUT HAVING EVERYTHING END IN JUST SLEEPING?"

Sans wiped at his eye socket, finally finding his breath again. "you know i love sleeping, bro."

Papyrus looked at his brother with incredible suspicion. "BUT SLEEPING IS NOT A VERY FUN ACTIVITY! YOU AND ASGORE'S CLONE ARE BOTH QUITE BORING, YOU KNOW THAT?"

Sans could barely answer him, too busy thinking about just how much fun he was having and laughing himself to hiccups.

* * *

After a while, when some nearby Chinese restaurants were going through a fortune cookie shortage, Sans and Toriel had to resort to their own fortunes to pass the time. The only rule was that it had to sound like it actually came from a fortune cookie, so basically, barely any rules at all. Frisk, by this point, would immediately leave the house to go to Undyne's whenever Sans was over. This meant a lot of alone time with Toriel as they sat next to each other on the couch, barely paying attention to the TV where Mettaton's latest movie was streaming.

"hey, bet you can't beat this. tori, you are extremely generous and always thinking of others." He winked. "in bed."

"How devious, Sans!"

"heh, because it's true, right?"

Toriel leaned her face into his shoulder, her laughs making his body shake. She moved back after, her entire face red. "Well, there's something that I know for sure. You're never too old to learn new things." She pressed her hands to her mouth, eyes closed in mirth. "In bed!"

"so you speak from experience, huh?" He let Toriel lean against him again and absently patted her head as they both tried to calm down. "wish someone told me that years ago."

"Oh, it's never too late! You just need to know that practice makes perfect when in-" She broke down again, snorting every so often throughout her giggles.

Sans leaned against her, too, his small body almost completely enveloped within the folds of her loose clothes. "guess i got a few tricks up my sleeve… and other things, in bed." He wished he had eyebrows, for this was a perfect opportunity to waggle them right now. Luckily, Toriel always got his gestures correct anyway.

After a while, they finally quieted, their laughter leaving them plenty exhausted. Sans dimly remembered that they were going to make pie today, but uh, had gotten sidetracked again.

"Well, Sans," Toriel finally spoke, her voice under proper control. "Perhaps you will soon discover your hidden talents." She smiled at him deviously, which was such a new expression and one, Sans found, fit her extremely well. She didn't finish the joke, because she didn't need to. The punchline floated before them, its existence plain.

Sans shrugged. "i guess i just have to find the best position for me…"

"Perhaps an old friend will be your source of strength…"

"they just have to know i'm always ready to try new things…"

"And that luck might smile on them today…"

"are you saying i'm about to make the most valuable discovery…?"

"I'm just saying your search for knowledge will lead you to high places…"

"so my efforts will be well-rewarded…"

"Just know that your charm and courtesy will be advantageous to your goal…"

"and i will live long and be prosperous…"

Toriel snickered again. "Well, I am merely saying that your career plans look bright…"

Sans pointed at her. "now that's a dirty lie. i have no career plans in the slightest."

She pushed him very lightly. "Aw, and you were doing so well!"

"hey, it still works."

At that moment, Toriel suddenly looked shy. She directed her gaze to her hands which were now placed on her lap. Both her and Sans were still very close to one another, bone pressed against fur, chill against warmth.

"Still, my friend, I suppose I must ask… do you understand what I am saying?"

"welp." Sans found his hand had wandered to her knee, and that it felt comfortable being there. "i once read a fortune somewhere that my understanding will greatly help a friend." The punchline was still obvious, and it was best that way.

"So a small lucky package will be on its way soon…"

"hey, it may be lucky but it sure ain't small." Sans winked.

"Well then, hmm, I do have one more fortune for you," she said.

"cool, shoot."

Large hands gripped his own. Her head pressed against his.

"Someone would love to cuddle up with you." She smiled.

Sans shrugged. "heh, that could be better, but i guess it's good enough." _In bed_ , he was about to say, because he can't help but fall in love with that last line and just keep saying it again. But he never got to. They were both a bit too preoccupied to continue playing the game. For now, at least.

* * *

When Sans wandered back home in the early morning hours, he had expected Papyrus to be up. His bro always liked to make sure that his lasagna pancakes were cooked to perfection just after the sunrise, claiming that was when they tasted the best. But when he got home, he was a little surprised to find both Undyne and Frisk there, too.

"hey, kiddo," he greeted the child, strolling through the kitchen doorway. "didn't know you were all having a sleepover."

It was weird at first seeing Papyrus seated at the kitchen table with Frisk, _not_ cooking. Until he saw Undyne bent over the stove, acrid smoke rising into the air. Then it wasn't so weird anymore.

"WELL, YOU WEREN'T HERE LEAVING YOUR GROSS SOCKS AROUND THE HOUSE AGAIN. SO UNDYNE DECIDED TO COME OVER WITH MY FAVORITE HUMAN AFTER YOU TEXTED ME THAT YOU WOULD BE BUSY."

"Yeah, too bad you missed out, punk! We watched kung-fu movies all night!" Undyne turned to the group, holding out a skillet that was basically covered in black pitch char. Then she narrowed her eye at Sans. "Where were you last night anyway?"

"busy. ask papyrus."

"YES, UNDYNE. I SHOWED YOU THE TEXT DID I NOT?"

Frisk was looking at each monster curiously, then graced Sans with their neutral stare that was more judging than anything else. Geez, he had hoped the kid wouldn't be _that_ perceptive.

Undyne gestured to Sans with a half-melted spatula. "Are you wearing the same clothes from yesterday?"

"i always wear the same clothes."

"But that's literally the same clothes. Like you slept in them or something!"

"i always literally wear the same clothes that i slept in or something."

"UNDYNE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR LINE OF QUESTIONING. IT IS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT SANS DOES NOT DRESS UP FOR ANY KIND OF OCCASION."

Undyne was barely paying attention to Papyrus, still staring down at Sans as if she could see through his skull.

The short skeleton shrugged. Well, there was really no sense in hiding it anymore. And it looked like Frisk had figured it out long before. Still, he wasn't ready to take on the responsibility of destroying the kid's delicate sensibilities. "hey, kid. can ya get the phone charger for ol' sans? it's in my room."

Frisk didn't argue, leaving the kitchen to do as he asked. Papyrus nearly got up to help, which Sans would have liked, but Undyne grasped his bony arm.

"Aren't you curious what happened last night?"

"LAST NIGHT? YOU MEAN WHEN WE WERE SLEEPING. I THOUGHT I UNDERSTOOD THAT PRETTY WELL."

Eh, better to get this over with. "was just hanging out with tori. ya know how it is."

Undyne was still glaring, still suspecting but not quite there yet. Fine. He'd throw her a bone, so to speak.

"tori had a bone to pick with me last night." He pointed a finger at her, smirking. "in bed."

The glare continued, slowly covered over with a film of confusion. Almost there, just 3, 2, 1…

"Oh my god no way?!" Undyne threw up her skillet, sending the contents flying to the walls. "And gross?!"

Papyrus looked to both his best friend and brother in complete innocence. "WHAT? DID I MISS A VITAL CLUE?"

Sans just shrugged again. "no worries, bro. undyne's just _carping_ mad."

The fish warrior/chef rounded to him. "Okay, first off, you were really reaching for that one! And second off, did you totally do the stuff with the queen?"

Sans tilted his head a little. "what can i say? i guess i just got the royal treatment." Pause. "in bed."

"AHHH." Undyne brandished her now mostly empty skillet at Sans' face. "That's so weird! Isn't she like 500 years old or something?"

"from what i know, older women do tend to have more experience." He grinned.

Undyne growled. _"Don't."_

"in."

" _Stop it."_

"bed."

" _NGAAAHH!"_

"she also left me pretty, uh, rattled, in-"

" _That's enough!"_

By this time, Frisk had walked in, the tail end of the phone charger trailing from their hand. They stopped right next to Sans, unsure, but not unsurprised at Undyne brandishing her spear at nothing, while Papyrus cheered her on in equal confusion.

"I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY ARE WE SO MAD THAT TORIEL HAS MORE SLEEPING EXPERIENCE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, UNDYNE?"

"come on, kid. time to take ya back to tori's." He patted Frisk's shoulder, then finger-gunned at Undyne who was still completely boondoggled by it all. "appreciate it if you didn't mention to ol' gorey. thanks."

"Grr! You're not getting off that easy!" Undyne roared.

"i kinda already did."

"NGAAH!

Leading the kid to the door while an angry fish tore up his kitchen, his phone vibrated in his pocket. A smile lit up his skull, too content to let Frisk's scathing stare ruin his good mood.


End file.
